When caring takes us to breaking point
Updated: 2 hours ago
If you're having thoughts of ending your life or are worried about your safety, please contact the Samaritans free on 116 123, any time, day or night, or call NHS 111 and select the mental health option. In an emergency, call 999 or go to your nearest accident and emergency department.
Over the past two weeks, we asked carers in the Mobilise community whether caring for a partner, a parent, a child, or another person close to us has brought us to what we would call a breaking point, i.e. the moment when it felt like too much to carry. Almost 1400 carers replied, with similar themes running through the responses.
Alongside the exhaustion, the sleepless nights, and the financial strain that so many of us described, a smaller number of us shared that caring had brought us to thoughts of ending our lives. Many admitted that those thoughts were something we'd carried, on and off, for years, beginning long before our survey was sent out.
We know this is a heavy way to open a blog post, but skirting around the truths which carers shared would betray the good number of us who used this survey to say something we had never said to anyone else, and Mobilise exists so that none of us has to carry that alone.
We also know that the risk of suicide and suicidal thoughts is much higher for unpaid carers. Statistics show that up to 40% of British carers experience suicidal thoughts - that’s two of the five million unpaid carers in the UK. One in six are likely to attempt suicide and one in 10 have already attempted it, but less than half have ever told anyone they were feeling this way. This can feel shocking to read, and hard to think about, but working to open up conversations can help to break the stigma, empowering us to ask for help when we need it, and others to feel more able to share their struggles.
What breaking point actually feels like
When we asked what pushed us there, the answers were varied. Exhaustion came up again and again, alongside lack of sleep, financial strain, feeling unseen or unheard, and a change in the health of the person we care for. Many of us described juggling work and caring with almost nothing left over for ourselves, and a lack of practical support was a thread which ran through response after response.
One of us described months without proper sleep while caring for a partner, until every small thing, such as a missed appointment or an unanswered phone call, started to feel unbearable. Another told us that fighting the authorities for the support their child needed had taken more out of them than the caring itself, adding that the caring was never the problem, the fight for help was.
"It's really hard helping somebody with mental health issues. You feel terribly on your own."
When negative feelings grow
A number of us wrote, in our own words, that we had thought about not wanting to carry on. One of us wrote about a suicide attempt many years ago and thoughts that had returned since, describing how the body still finds ways to signal that something needs to change, long after we think we've moved past it. Another of us said that worry for the person who would be left behind was the only thing that kept them here. Someone else told us plainly that they had no one to turn to, and that only something drastic enough to force a change felt like a way out.
"Our body doesn't have a mouth, and it does try to talk to us by impacting our thoughts and feelings. A thought isn't my body saying 'end it', it's saying take notice, you need to change something."
Many of us reading this will recognise some of these feelings, even if we've never said it out loud ourselves. Caring without enough support, for long enough, can wear a person down until there seems to be no way through, and that feeling is extremely common.
If this feels close to home right now
If you're having thoughts of ending your life or are worried about your safety, please contact the Samaritans free on 116 123, any time, day or night, or call NHS 111 and select the mental health option. In an emergency, call 999 or go to your nearest accident and emergency department.
Why asking for help can feel unsafe
Some of us, particularly parents caring for a child, told us that asking for help came with its own risk; a fear that struggling would be read as failing, or that admitting things were hard might bring social services into our lives, instead of support. That fear wasn't unfounded for the people who raised it - it came from experience of being misunderstood or misrepresented in the past. This led to a number of us reporting that we keep going in silence rather than risk joining a system that might judge us rather than help us.
"It is hard asking for help because there is always the threat of social services if you are misunderstood or misrepresented."
Do we know who to turn to?
When we asked whether carers know who to turn to at breaking point, the honest answer for many of us was ‘no’. Some of us said we didn't feel able to ask anyone. Others said we didn't know who to ask, even after months or years of caring. A few of us only had help offered once we looked visibly unwell enough for someone else to notice and step in, which says as much about the system around us as it does about how far we were prepared to let things go before asking.
"[It would have helped] if I'd been heard and listened to, instead of being put on a waiting list to see a mental health team."
It would seem that many of us are not necessarily short of people who care about us. Instead, we’re short of a clear, early route to the right kind of help, specifically one that doesn't depend on reaching crisis point before anyone steps in.
What helped, and what we wish had been there sooner
The things we reported as helpful were fairly simple. Opportunities to talk to a friend, sibling, or neighbour came up often, as well as having a GP who takes the time to listen or make a referral for us. Some of us found real relief in a carer's assessment, a spell of respite care, or a counsellor we could see regularly. A few of us mentioned finding moments of connection in the Mobilise Hub, where we can share what’s happening with people who understand the shape of caring without needing to explain it from scratch.
"Sharing some of what was happening in the Mobilise Hub helped me to cope too."
Other carers told us what they wished had happened in the past, such as being believed the first time, rather than after weeks of asking, or getting quicker response from services once we did reach out. Many wished someone had been able to step in for the practical things like admin, meals, or a few hours of respite, so we could finally sleep. A number of us said that we simply needed someone to ask if we were okay, before things got as difficult as they did.
Where we go from here
We share your responses because staying honest about how caring affects us, at its hardest, is a key part of how Mobilise tries to build something better for carers than just ‘existing’. If any part of what we've described here feels close to home, please know that reaching out isn’t a failure, and support built for exactly this moment already exists.
We know that the practical, hands-on support that we need is often not available and it may seem counter-intuitive to focus on our own welfare. However, it might be that reaching out for help with your mental health is one of the few things we can control, in a sea of things we can’t. Here are some steps we could take:
If life is at risk right now
Call 999, or go to your nearest A&E
Do this straight away if you or the person you care for has seriously harmed yourself, or if you don't feel able to keep yourself or them safe. A&E departments are open 24 hours a day and anyone can walk in.
For urgent mental health support, day or night call 111, then choose option 2
Free, 24 hours a day, every day of the year. This connects to an NHS mental health helpline that can arrange urgent support or put you in touch with your local crisis team.
Call your GP surgery in daytime
Ask for an emergency same day appointment. You don't need to already be registered as a patient to be seen urgently, and a GP or Mental Health Practitioner can refer straight into local mental health services.
Your local mental health crisis team
If you or the person you care for has been given a direct number by a crisis team, care coordinator, or community mental health service before, that number is usually the fastest route back in.
Someone to talk to immediately
Samaritans, 116123
Free, confidential, 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also email jo@samaritans.org if writing feels easier than talking. A text messaging service is planned but not available right now.
Shout, text 85258
A free, confidential text service, helpful if a phone call feels like too much right now, and available around the clock.
CALM, 0800 58 58 58
Open 5pm to midnight every day, with a webchat option too, for anyone affected by suicidal thoughts.
Silence of Suicides, 0808 115 1505
Call their ‘feelings of suicide’ helpline for immediate, confidential support, Monday-Friday, 8pm-midnight and from 4pm-midnight on weekends.
SANEline, 0300 304 7000
Open 4:30pm to 10pm every day, for support with longer term or complex mental health difficulties, our own or someone else's.
Support built around caring
Carers UK helpline, 0808 808 7777
Monday to Friday, 9am to 6pm, for advice on carer's assessments, benefits, and where else to turn locally.
Your Local Authority should be able to help put you in touch with local support.
This is a legal right under the Care Act 2014, and it's worth asking for even if it took some of us a long time to know it existed. It can open the door to respite, equipment, or a proper support plan.
Mind Infoline, 0300 123 3393
For information on local mental health services and treatment options near us, including support specifically for carers in some areas.
A final thought…
None of these services can see everything we're carrying from a single phone call, and it's okay if the first one we try doesn't feel like the right fit. Trying the next one on the list isn’t failure - it's exactly what these services are there for.
For the days that don't need 999 or a helpline, but still feel heavier than we can manage alone, Mobilise keeps a library of carer wellbeing guides written by carers, covering things like the warning signs of burnout and managing guilt. And remember, the Mobilise Hub is available 24/7, packed with resources that may help and other carers to chat with.
