Managing feelings of resentment and guilt, as an unpaid carer
- Linda Nguyen
- Apr 23
- 6 min read
Updated: Jun 27
With thanks to the team at Crossroads Care Surrey, for writing this great piece of content about the emotional impact that caring can have. Letting us know that guilt and resentment are natural feelings. And how we can help ourselves when we spot them.
Caring can be one of the most meaningful roles we take on but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy.
In fact, many carers in the Mobilise community have shared that alongside love and commitment, they also feel frustration, sadness, guilt, and even resentment at times. It can be helpful to remember that these are all normal feelings and they don’t make us a bad person.
For many of us, looking after someone may start out as positive support for a family member or friend. But eventually we might notice this comes with some trade-offs. For example, we may have to give up paid work, have less time to prioritise ourselves or share our own home, all of which can lead to some negative feelings or affect our relationships with the people we care for.
Although it’s not always easy, we should try to be mindful of burnout and the value of keeping our relationships with the person we care for healthy for everyone’s benefit.
“I am so tired, I resent my mum when I'm not with her, but when I see her I feel guilty as it's not her fault, I'm just so tired”
Feeling resentment or guilt?
It’s easy to say that we’d do anything for our family, and indeed, most of us would. But that’s about action. What about how we feel?
For a while, we might be able to sacrifice nights out to put Mum or Dad to bed, or never eat our favourite food because we care for a son or daughter with a special diet. But over time, these sacrifices may build and become frustrating as we get to spend less time on ourselves, or the things that bring us joy.
When we do things over a prolonged time, they can start to feel like a sense of duty and make us feel like we’ve lost our sense of identity. This is the impact of caring. Continually putting someone else's needs ahead of our own can lead to feelings of resentment and guilt.
We don’t necessarily even have to say it out loud. Just thinking about how restful it would be not to have a caring responsibility can make us feel like we are bad people or like we are ungrateful for having those we care for in our lives.
Why these feelings might be showing up
Sometimes our feelings of guilt or resentment are rooted in ongoing family history or complex relationships.
For instance, we might be grieving the version of the person we once knew especially if their condition has changed them. Or we might be caring for someone we’ve had a difficult past with, like an estranged parent, an ex-partner, or someone who hasn’t always treated us kindly.
“My mum has always been manipulative to me and my sister, and we've both had counselling to help us manage that”
Sometimes we’re juggling contradictory feelings like deep compassion, but also frustration, sadness, or even anger which can be confusing for us. The reminder that two things can be true at once might reassure us.
For example:
I can love them and still feel overwhelmed.
I can feel lucky to still have them and miss how things used to be.
I want to do my best for them but still need space for myself.
We might also feel an overwhelming sense of guilt that often comes from the feeling that we’re not doing enough. If we find it hard to navigate these feelings, we might want to ask ourselves: Am I holding myself to a standard that no one could realistically meet?
Trying to gently challenge our inner critic and replace it with a kinder voice that recognises just how much we are already doing can help us challenge overwhelming feelings of guilt.
“When it is someone you love, you always feel like you could do more and therefore always feel like you are not doing enough. That guilt weighs heavily on the shoulders of so many.”
Why feelings of resentment and guilt can be helpful
While not all feelings may ‘feel’ nice, all feelings are in fact helpful. Emotions are linked to our thoughts and therefore tell us something valuable about what is going on in our lives. So it’s important to pay attention to them.
Once we’ve acknowledged the feeling, and recognise it’s not beneficial for us - like guilt or resentment - we can often find the opportunity to change and improve things.
Feelings of resentment or guilt are an indicator that something needs attention. In a caring scenario, they’re often an indicator that our own needs have been ignored for too long. Perhaps we need some replenishment. Or reassurance that it's okay to let go of things we can't control.
The trouble with guilt and resentment
Left unchecked, negative emotions such as guilt and resentment can lead to poor outcomes for ourselves and the person we care for.
We may see a shift in how we talk to the person we care for or our thoughts about them. Perhaps we’ve noticed a shift in how we feel towards them, every time they call our name or phone us.
It’s important to notice these signals and reach out for support. In extreme cases, feelings or resentment might lead to things like abuse or neglect for either us or our cared for.
It’s not a competition
“Comparison is the thief of joy.” - Roosevelt
Carers who want a break are not bad people. We are simply people who have been under pressure for a long time.
We are human beings: we cannot do everything. We all have different limits. We might meet other carers who have been cheerfully carrying on for longer than we have, but that doesn’t mean that our emotional needs are not valid. If caring is showing its darker side, and negativity is starting to affect us, it is important to address it.
Being a carer is a vital role and one that can be incredibly rewarding. Recognising our feelings and looking after our emotional health enable us to continue caring. In turn, our relationships with the people we care for can develop in a positive way. And we can maintain our own identities while fulfilling our responsibilities to others.
A quick check in
If we're feeling a bit off but we're not sure where to start, we can start by asking ourself:
When was the last time I had a moment to myself?
What am I missing most right now?
Is there one small thing I could let go of or ask for help with?
What would I say to a friend if they were feeling this way right now?
Lesley, a carer from the Mobilise community, shared how she was able to shift negative feelings into something more positive, allowing her to appreciate the time she has with her mum.
Where can we get help?
Life should be a balance of give and take. As carers, we may give a lot, but we are allowed to be receivers of support too.
This isn’t always easy, but there are things we can do:
Register as a carer, either with our GP or local carers service
Request a Carer's Assessment - either from our GP or local carers service
Learn to prioritise our own wellbeing
Contact our local Carers’ Centre
Sometimes a chat with others in a similar situation can be useful
Practice asking for help when we need it
Help can come in many forms. A good starting point can be simply admitting how we feel to someone trusted. Getting our feelings out is a great opportunity to start making sense of the emotions we’re experiencing and to slowly start understanding how our needs could be met better in our situation.
Remember that asking for help is a strength, not a weakness, and with the right support in place, caring can feel more sustainable, and maybe even a positive experience.
Next steps
Find support in the Mobilise Hub 👀
Join the Mobilise Hub, a free online community of carers where we can swap stories, ask questions and share what’s helped us.
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