Taking care of us, so we can take care of them
- Laura Martin
- 2 days ago
- 3 min read
Updated: 16 hours ago
A member of our community shared something in the Hub recently that caught our eye. She'd started her post with an apology, for not writing more often. Then she deleted it. She didn't need to shame herself for not doing a good enough job, she said, not anymore.
This carer looks after a parent with several long-term conditions, alongside a full-time job and managing her own health. She's spent years in therapy working through difficult experiences from earlier in her life, and she still catches herself repeating the same old messages: "get on with it, don't ask for help, don't let anyone see you're struggling". She's exhausted. She's been unwell more than once this year. And despite everything she's learned about herself, she still finds it hard to say "I'm not okay".
We think a lot of unpaid carers will recognise this. We have to find out about the support that's out there. We're the ones who notice when a friend needs checking in on, or who remember to ask how someone's mum is doing. Unfortunately, somewhere in all that noticing, we forget to ask the same of ourselves.
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Self-reliance isn't the same as self-sufficiency
There's a difference between being someone people can depend on and believing we have to manage everything on our own. The first is a strength. The second is exhausting, and it isn't sustainable.
Caring for someone we love often comes with an unspoken rulebook, one that says asking for help is weakness or that needing support means we've failed somehow. Most of us didn't write those rules. They came from somewhere further back, family patterns, old habits, years of having to cope alone. They can be hard to unlearn, even when we know, logically, that they're not true.
The 'put your own oxygen mask on first' analogy gets used a lot, but it holds up for some of us because it's accurate. We can't keep helping other people breathe if we've stopped breathing ourselves. Putting our own mask on first isn't selfish. It's what makes it possible to help anyone else at all. For practical tips on how to prioritise yourself, there’s a blog post here with heaps of ideas.
What this looks like in practice
None of this means doing less for the people we care about. It means making a small space for things that are just for us, even in small ways. The carer's post was her opportunity to say out loud that something is hard, without needing to follow it with "but I'm managing."
Our Mobilise community is special because it's a rare space where saying "I'm struggling" is met with understanding rather than surprise.
Back in June, our community manager Nicola built something a bit silly and a bit brilliant: a permission slip generator which creates official-sounding vouchers for things like saying no without guilt, or enjoying a good moment without earning it first.
This carer's post is that same idea, just written out properly. She's not there yet, and neither are most of us. But saying it out loud is a start. The real permission slip is the one we learn to write for ourselves, as and when we need it.
Helpful next steps
If any of this sounds familiar, we love meeting new unpaid carers on the Hub, whether you want to share your own version of this story or just a note to say you're having one of those weeks too. Click here to join today and get support and advice from other carers going through the same thing.
For more local support, use this handy tool to find what carer services are available in your area. Or find out more on making the most of local support.
