Caring for a friend or family member often means putting their needs first, but we matter too. When we are looking after someone else it can be all too easy for our own needs to become neglected. But just because we are supporting someone else it doesn’t mean our needs disappear, or become unimportant.
But what are those needs? What do we need from our lives in order to feel happy and healthy? Do we even know?
Everyone has the same basic needs to keep healthy, such as food, shelter and sleep. However, what shifts us from surviving - to feeling like we are thriving is unique to us. And this often changes over time.
If we’ve not thought about our own needs for a while it can be a useful exercise to do so. Even just reading through this guide could help turn out of that all too easy to slip into autopilot mode - and put us back into the driving seat of our own lives.
While it can feel challenging to do so, reflecting on and working to meet our most important needs is worthwhile. Not only will it help us feel more fulfilled, but it could improve both our health and resilience.
In this article, we will look at:
If we don’t feel in a good place to think about what might be missing from the different areas of our lives, we might want to save this guide for later. Or skip straight to the inspiration from carers to help us set just two or three non-negotiable needs.
What is Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs?
Psychologist Abraham Maslow is best known for developing the hierarchy of needs. Maslow’s theory explains how we feel motivated and fulfilled through different levels of human needs, shown as a pyramid.
If interested, we can watch a short summary of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.
Maslow's pyramid consists of five levels, starting with basic needs at the base and working to our more complex, personal needs at the top. According to Maslow, we are better able to meet our personal goals and live a satisfying life if we start by addressing the needs at the bottom of the pyramid first.
Physiological needs
These are our most basic needs for survival, such as food, water, shelter, and sleep.
Safety
The need for protection from physical harm, but also financial, physical and emotional security.
Love and belonging
This is the need to feel part of a group, accepted, and able to give and receive affection.
Esteem needs
The need for respect, appreciation, approval, and self-confidence. This means both feeling valued by others, and also good about ourselves.
Self-actualisation
The ability to reach our full potential and keep growing. Maslow believed this tier can only be reached once all our other needs are at least somewhat satisfied.
How does this relate to me?
According to Maslow’s theory, we should aim to satisfy the needs at the bottom of the pyramid before we can work on those at the top.
Realistically, it’s almost impossible to address every single thing at the bottom of the pyramid. The very nature of our caring role might mean that we can’t get regular nights of uninterrupted sleep. And we don’t want a focus on those to stop us from thinking about personal goals or hobbies. But the framework can be a helpful starting point if we don’t feel life is going the way we want.
If we are feeling stuck and demotivated, it could be that the problem is actually an issue with one of our more basic needs, such as getting enough sleep or eating nutritious food. Or if we have feelings of resentment or don’t feel appreciated in our caring role, this could be causing a mental block that stops us from feeling able to start a new hobby or join an online class.
Working through the pyramid, bottom to top, can help to highlight some core building blocks that are missing, which might be having a bigger impact on our overall wellbeing than we’d realised. Everyone will have non-negotiable needs that need to be met in order to feel healthy and content. Not being able to prioritise these needs can quickly lead to illness, such as carer burnout.
“It's essential to cultivate kindness for yourself because if you collapse then how can you help others? Your wellbeing in mind and body have to come first and it is important to have things in your day that give you pleasure, and these can be very simple things.” A carer from our community
Thinking about what we need
But where to start?
A gentle way to get us into the right headspace could be focussing on what we need right now. At this moment in time.
If we close our eyes and spend a few minutes tuning into the different areas of our body, what might we feel? For example, are our feet cold? If so could we put on some warmer socks. Are we actually thirsty - when did we last have a drink today?
Our body is always sending us signals to tell us what it needs, but in our busy lives it is all too easy to disconnect from that.
Now if we’re feeling ready, let’s try working out what areas of life aren’t currently working for us. Grab a notebook and think about each level of the pyramid, starting at the bottom. What are the things that we really need in order for us to feel healthy, safe and satisfied with our lives?
It is impossible for most of us to get every single area working perfectly. But just taking the time to reflect on where we are, where we would like to be, and what might need to change is a good start. And can be really helpful. We can then focus on which of these needs feel non-negotiable to us, such as at least one healthy meal a day, or getting seven hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Below are some questions we can ask ourselves to work through the pyramid. It may be overwhelming or even depressing to work through them all. We may want to focus on just one or two areas for now - we can always come back to this exercise at another time and add to it. Or if we don’t feel ready, we can save this page and come back to it another time.
Or if we are feeling brave we could look at them all but with the aim to work out which one or two things could make the biggest difference to how we feel.
We won’t be able to instantly solve all of our problems, but reflecting on what isn’t working for us is an important first step.
It’s worth noting that this might stir up some big emotions if we feel lots of areas of our lives are not going the way we would like, or are outside of our control. We might find it helpful to do this activity with a friend, or to stop here and come back to it another time. If we do find it is triggering difficult emotions, consider speaking to a professional about it.
Questions to ask ourselves:
Physiological Needs
Do I eat nutritious food? Do I drink enough water?
Am I getting enough sleep and rest?
Do I feel at home and comfortable where I live?
Am I able to do what I can to look after my physical health?
Do I feel physically energised or always exhausted?
Examples of ways our physiological needs might not be being met:
Food: Skipping meals or eating unhealthy, quick options due to a busy schedule or tight budget.
Water: Not drinking enough water throughout the day.
Sleep: Not sleeping for long enough, or having a poor quality of sleep due to worrying or needing to wake up regularly as part of our caring responsibilities.
Shelter: Living in a house that we can’t afford to heat, or doesn’t meet our needs such as space or privacy.
Health: Ignoring our own health needs like GP appointments, or not getting time for any exercise or fresh air.
Safety Needs
Do I feel safe and secure in my home and daily environment?Am I able to meet my basic costs comfortably?
Do I have a steady and reliable source of income?
Do I feel safe at work, school, or in my community?
Are there any risks or uncertainties in my life that make me feel uneasy? Am I scared of what the future will bring?
Do I have a plan for emergencies or unexpected challenges?
Examples of ways our safety needs might not be being met
Financial stability: Financial strain from reduced work hours or inability to work while looking after someone.
Job security: Feeling like our jobs are at risk, or wanting to work and being unable to.
Physical safety: Feeling physically unsafe when dealing with unpredictable behaviours of the person we care for, or others in our life.
Health security: Not feeling able to take care of our health, or fear of unexpected medical emergencies.
Stability: Anxiety about the future, such as long-term care needs or emergencies.Emotional stability: Past experiences making us feel unsafe or triggered by our daily life. If this sounds relatable we might want to read more about the impacts of trauma. It is worth noting here that not feeling safe in our daily lives can be a really difficult and painful issue to address. Carers can experience financial, physical or emotional abuse from the person we care for, or from others in our lives. If we don’t feel safe, it is important to seek support from friends and family, and from the police, domestic abuse charities or by raising a safeguarding concern with our local council.
Love and Belonging
Do I have close and meaningful relationships in my life (friends, family, or romantic)?
Do I feel connected to a community or social group?
Am I able to spend enough time with the relationships that matter to me?
Do I feel loved, supported, and valued by those around me?
Do I feel lonely or isolated?
Examples of ways our belonging needs might not be being met:
Friendships and family relationships: Strained relationships with family or friends who may not understand the demands of caring for someone. Or feel we should do it differently.
Romantic relationships: Lack of intimacy or emotional connection. This can be particularly challenging for those of us who look after our partners.
Social groups: Feeling out of place or excluded in our workplace, social group, or our community.
Loneliness: Isolation due to reduced social interactions with others if we spend a lot of time home with the person we look after.
According to Maslow, we will be unable to think about thriving as an individual until we first have the sense of comfort that comes from connecting with others.
Esteem Needs
Do I feel respected and valued by those around me?
Am I confident in my own abilities?
For the most part, am I the person that I want to be? Do I get to achieve personal goals or experience a sense of accomplishment?
Are there areas in my life where I feel inadequate or overlooked?
Do I take pride in my work, hobbies, or personal efforts?
Are my actions recognised and appreciated?
Examples of ways our esteem needs might not be being met:
Recognition: Feeling unappreciated for our caring efforts, or undervalued by family or society.
Self-Worth: Low self-esteem due to no longer having time for personal achievements or interests.
Identity: Not knowing who we are outside of our role as a carer.
Accomplishments: Feeling stuck in our career or personal life.
Confidence: Guilt or shame when it comes to prioritising our own needs.
Respect: Feeling disrespected or undervalued by friends or our community
Self-Actualisation
Am I pursuing activities that bring me joy and fulfilment?
Do I feel like I’m growing as a person?
Are there dreams or goals I’ve set aside that I want to revisit?
Am I able to challenge myself to learn, create, or explore new opportunities?
Do I feel a sense of purpose in my life?
Examples of ways our self-actualisation needs might not be being met:
Personal Growth: Feeling unable to find time for the things that make us feel passionate.
Creativity: Lack of opportunities for creativity, growth, or self-expression.
Purpose: Wishing for a sense of accomplishment or that we make a greater impact in the world.
Challenge: Settling into a routine that feels unfulfilling or repetitive.
Fulfilment: Not feeling that we like who we are as a person or the way our life looks.
While difficult, reflecting on these questions can help us to give us an overview of what areas of our life aren’t as we’d like them to be. It might be the case that we feel we’d like a lot to change, or that we are unhappy with things outside of our control. While this isn’t an enjoyable way to feel, being aware of why we might be feeling stuck, depressed, or unfulfilled gives us the power to see where we are able to make positive changes - big or small.
Other questions we can ask ourselves
What’s something I’ve been struggling with recently?
Do I regularly feel dissatisfied or unhappy with a specific area of my life?
What’s one thing I wish I could change about my current situation?
Do I feel balanced and content overall, or is something missing?What are five things I need on a regular basis to feel fulfilled in life?
If we are struggling to work out what needs are important to us this video offers helpful guidance.
In the video Forrest suggests that simplifying the pyramid to safety, satisfaction and connection can be a helpful alternative if we don’t relate to the tiers in Maslow’s pyramid, or we find it overwhelming.
Creating our own needs pyramid
While it can feel like a bit of an uncomfortable exercise to focus purely on our own needs, as Forrest says in the video above, ‘as we meet our own needs we become better at meeting the needs of other people.’ As well as helping us to feel more fulfilled in our lives, taking care of ourselves will better allow us to care for those around us.
Once we’ve identified areas where our needs aren’t being met, we can start to ask ourselves which missing needs are having the biggest impact on us. If we follow Maslow’s recommendation we want to start from the lower levels of the pyramid (physiological and safety) and work up.
If this feels too restrictive, or we have ideas for changes we can make for other sections, we don’t have to stick to this formula. After all, this is all about what we need!
Sometimes the simplest additions to our routine can have big impacts on how we feel.
“I made time to get to the hairdressers - nothing particularly out of the ordinary, but as I sat down I felt all the stress of everything drain away. I nearly burst into tears with relief. I nearly even fell asleep whilst having my hair washed. I didn't even realise how stressed I was. It was so lovely taking time out to do something without my husband."
Now we’ve recognised where we are in terms of meeting our needs at each level of the pyramid, we want to prioritise what needs really impact us. This might seem tricky if it feels like nothing is looking the way we want, but everyone has certain things that really make a difference to how we feel.
We can use the template below to add one or two points to each line. These should be our real deal breakers. Our non-negotiables - the things we know we need in our lives in order to function and feel content.
“If I don’t get enough sleep I know my ability to deal with anything is going to take a real hit.”
For others, it might be not getting outside each day, or not having at least half an hour of alone time. We could aim to think of two or three non-negotiable needs for each tier. These don’t have to be big things - we want to aim for small achievable changes.
For example
For each non-negotiable need we write down, we should think about what is in our control and what isn’t.
For example, many of us are feeling the financial pinch and as nice as it is to fantasise about winning the lottery, there is only so much within our control. But we might be able to put in place some cost saving tips from other carers, or apply for a carer’s card for discounts or free entry to certain places.
“I have found my local beauty salon has offers with the carers card, and opens late two nights a week. That's my real tranquillity when I can. It's more than a treat, it's a cup of tea talking to the girls and feeling normal for an hour.”
Meeting these needs while caring
Once we have our non-negotiable needs we can think about how we can protect these and make sure they happen around our busy routines.
This could either be through making commitments to ourselves, like I will be in bed by 10pm (unless there’s an emergency). Or for more complex goals we might want to write out some small, easy to action steps.
For example, if we feel our home environment isn’t good for us we could set these goals:
1. Organise one cupboard each week
2. Pull out and donate clothing and items we no longer need
3. Make sure everything we own has its home
4. Have a deeper clean of one room each month
5. Treat ourselves to one new item for each room as we finish it. Such as replacing the browning oven gloves, or fraying, bathroom hand towel with one that brings us more joy. Personally - I love a pop of colour in each room to bring a little joy.
Or if we feel we don’t get the time we need to ourselves we could try:
1. Prioritising one thing for ourselves each day, such as a bubble bath or twenty minutes to read or game.
2. Challenging ourselves to actually sit down when we have our morning tea or coffee.
3. Finding a way we can involve the person we look after with an activity that is also for us, such as sitting them outside while we garden - or inviting them to help us.
4. Looking at our daily routine and finding moments for small breaks, or micro-respite.
“I saw a post online about the benefits of dementia-friendly gardens - green projects that you can do together. Loving the idea, we went to the gardening centre, bought some pots and just started planting away. It’s rewarding for both of us. We enjoy going outside for a coffee in the morning and chatting about the flowers around us.”
“I put a film on for my husband and tell him I'm going upstairs to have a rest. He accepts it. I leave a wireless doorbell on the table and I have the other part plugged in upstairs. If he needs me then he presses the bell.”
Here are more suggestions for changes we can make to better meet our needs. Some we might be able to do ourselves, while others might need us to seek support from friends, family, or professionals. Remember - the goal isn’t to try and do all of these at once - but to try and think about which will really make a difference to how we feel.
Physiological needs
Meal planning: Prepare simple, nutritious meals in advance, or if we can afford them, look into meal delivery services.
Sleep schedule: Create a sleep routine that works for us and prioritise consistent sleep by asking for help to share caring responsibilities overnight, even temporarily.
Safety
Financial security: Check what benefits or financial support we might be entitled to.
Physical safety: Speak to the police if we ever don’t feel physically safe
Emergency planning: Create an emergency care plan and have a list of trusted contacts for backup support.
Love and belonging
Join support groups: Connect with other carers in communities such as the Mobilise Hub, or through local support groups.
Communicate our needs: Open up to family and friends about the challenges and ask for specific kinds of support, such as regular check-ins or help with tasks.
Esteem needs
Celebrate small wins: Recognise and acknowledge all we do each and every day
Pursue interests: Remind ourselves that we are not just a carer. Dedicate time to personal hobbies or projects, even if it’s just a few minutes a day, or a class once a week.Set boundaries: Learn to say no and set healthy boundaries with the person we look after or others in our lives around what we can, and can’t do. We can read how another carer from our community found balance and purpose outside of his caring role.
Self-actualisation
Set personal goals: Start with small, manageable goals that feel positive or exciting and relate to our interests outside of caring.
Access training or education: Explore online courses or workshops that we can do from home to develop new skills.
Inspiration from carers in the community
If this all feels too overwhelming to think about right now, we might want to come up with just three needs, that could be from anywhere on the pyramid, that are non-negotiable to us. Here are 20 examples of non-negotiable needs from carers in our community to help get us started.
Time working on my garden
A long soak in the bath
Clean comfy bedding
Fresh colour on my hair gives me boost
Apples, bananas and veg every day
Taking my vitamins every day
Fitting in multiple micro-rest breaks every day
Walk through the park on days where I just feel trapped
One mocha coffee per day as a chocolate substitute
10 minutes of daily calm on YouTube
The ability to get out the house when I need to
Walking my dog each day for some fresh air and to get out the house
A yoga zoom class
Meditation each day
Get to the local hall to knit and have coffee with the locals
Time to listen to music
Getting to the coffee shop when I can. I love being served by someone to feel pampered.
Toiletries or nice smells make me feel better - such as perfume/ bubble bath
A rummage around a second-hand shop also brings me lots of joy
Five minutes to sit down with a cup of tea and play my word games!
We can get more ideas of things to add to our list of non-negotiables from 30 simple things that can help us feel great.
What’s Next?
Working to understand and meet our needs across different areas of our lives is not just important - it’s essential. Caring for others often means we prioritise their well-being over our own, even neglecting our basic needs. But without making time to fill our cups, we can quickly become physically and emotionally spent. By recognising where we might be lacking something - whether it’s better sleep, time with friends, or opportunities to be creative - we can then take steps to build this into our lives.
If we feel we are trying to cope with the load of caring alone and just have no time for ourselves, a first step might be to reach out to our local council to see how they can support us. This could be through completing a carer’s assessment, or seeing if we can get access to any local respite services.
Give other carers inspiration by sharing what’s worked for us or what our non-negotiable needs are in the conversation thread over on the Mobilise Hub.