How long can we leave the person we care for on their own?
Updated: 2d
Most of us have done the mental arithmetic before heading out of the door, whether we’re off to the chemist or to an appointment of our own, adding up how long we can be away before something might go wrong or before the person we care for starts wondering where we are.
We wanted to know how common that calculation is, so we asked our community of carers how long the person or people we care for could manage without us, and what’s missing that would let us leave them longer. (It should be noted that only carers who are looking after adults responded to the survey.) Almost 2,200 answered, telling us how little time we have to step away, as well as giving a fairly clear picture of what might increase it.
Most of us can be away for a few hours at most
The most common answer, given by almost half of respondents, was a ‘few hours’, which is long enough for a supermarket shop and a coffee with a friend but not for a longer healthcare appointment or a night away. Unfortunately, only a small group can manage a day or longer, and some of us say it varies too much to give one answer.
The support we need depends on how long we can be away
We asked what would make it easier to leave the person we care for, with carers able to choose more than one answer. The most common response was ‘someone we trust to check in on them’, followed by ‘a regular replacement carer or sitter’, with ‘guilt’ and ‘funding for support’ coming next.
Guilt is also part of the picture
Guilt came up as a barrier for 17% of us overall, and it was chosen more often in some groups than others, with 20% of those who said a few hours and 28% of those who said it varies too much to give one answer choosing it, compared with 11% of those who couldn’t leave even for a few hours. Within that last group, the practical gaps were named far more often than guilt, which tells us that for some of us the first obstacle is having someone and something in place, then feelings of guilt come into it once that’s sorted.
The feelings of the person we care for matter as well, with 304 of us (14%) saying a change in how our cared-for feels about having others care for them would make a difference. Leaving depends on how they feel about us being away as much as on how ready we are to go, and that can take time and patience from both sides.
What we said would help
Taken together, the answers point to three things which carers themselves said would help most: someone we trust who can check in while we’re out, a regular replacement carer or sitter, and funding for support while we’re away. Which of these matters most depends on where each of us is starting from, since those of us who can’t leave even for a few hours were most likely to name a sitter and funding, and those of us who can manage a few hours or a few days were most likely to name a trusted person to check in.
Small steps that could widen our window
The encouraging part of these answers is that most of what we said was missing can be built up gradually, and we aren’t all starting from the same place. For those of us who can manage a few hours, the most common gap was finding someone we trust to check in. A first step might be asking a neighbour, friend or family member to drop in once while we’re out for an hour, which gives them and the person we care for a chance to get used to the arrangement.
Some of us might also try a trial run close to home, such as a coffee round the corner or a walk to the shops, so that we can be back quickly if needed and then stretch the time out bit by bit.
For those of us whose gap is a regular sitter or funding, which were the most common answers among those who couldn’t leave even for a few hours, we should ask our local council what support might be available.
If we want to explore the possibility of finding someone to cover while we’re out, this guide explains that replacement care comes initially from a care needs assessment (for the person we care for), or via a carer’s assessment (which looks at us and our caring role). Both may result in someone coming to sit with our loved one so we can leave the house for a bit.
Our local Occupational Therapist (OT) is also a good place to start. They can make an assessment, make recommendations and may be able to provide free or on loan equipment.
"A visit from an OT was life changing, a Wendylett sheet and a bar at the side of the bed meant my husband could turn at night (and I got a full night’s sleep). We kicked ourselves for not making contact with the OT sooner."
If guilt or the other person’s feelings are what’s holding us back, one option could be introducing a new face while we’re still in the house, and gradually spending less time in the room, which gives everyone a softer start, and the Mobilise Hub is a good place to ask how others handled that first handover.
Technology that can help us
Technology is helping some of us, although for most of us who answered, the missing piece is another person far more than a device. That said, technology such as a safety alarm, sensor or video call might be what makes an afternoon out feel possible, Carers in the Mobilise Community have shared lots of ways tech has helped them feel easier about being out.
While some of us aren’t tech fans, it can help to know that someone else can set things up to be simple to use, which is why our guide to digital skills for carers starts with the basics, builds up from there, and suggests asking someone we trust to help us get started.
Checking in from a distance
Our guide to useful gadgets brings together the sensors, alarms, doorbells, speakers and cameras that carers recommend, along with where they’ve bought them.
Smart speakers, such as Amazon’s Echo Dot and its voice assistant Alexa, are a great way to help your cared-for manage without you. Some carers have told us they have one in nearly every room, using them for routine reminders such as medication or closing the garden gate.
"Alexa Routines are easy and useful. I’ve made routines to set sleep-timers for audio books while dimming lights and an “I need help” routine to send me alerts and reassure my wife while she waits for my response."
Models with a screen also let us ‘drop in’ on the person we care for, with one carer describing how she could see and hear her loved one from the kitchen, and others link a smart doorbell or camera to see the porch or garden and to check if someone has entered or left the house.
"Amazon Alexa - alerts, communication and ‘drop-in’ for peace of mind check-in. [This] can give the carer just a little more freedom in your day."
Medication, messages and locations
A few phone apps can take some of the worry out of being away, and our list of the best smartphone apps for busy carers covers several of them. MediSafe sends timed reminders and tells us when prescriptions are running low, and we can add a “Medifriend” who gets an alert if a dose hasn’t been ticked off, while smart pill boxes with alarms do a similar job.
Our guide to managing medications details some practical ways that carers have shared to make managing medications and prescriptions feel a bit less overwhelming and might help our cared-for control their own schedule independently.
WhatsApp group chats help when more than one person shares the caring, because they make it easy to see who’s doing what and to share live locations, and the free app Life360 lets us set up circles and be alerted when someone arrives at a place.
Using AI
A few carers have shared that the person they care for enjoys chatting with an AI tool on a smartphone when they’re not around, and one said the long daily phone calls they used to receive had reduced and the person they care for seemed happier. Our 10 top tips on using AI to make caring easier explains how to get started and reminds us that AI should never replace professional advice, with one carer summing it up as using AI alongside a human and not relying on it.
Equipment, cost and assessments
Some local authorities provide things like smart speakers, smart pill boxes and door sensors free of charge, so it’s worth asking our council. Some gadgets are fairly inexpensive and, again, our gadgets guide has ideas for keeping costs down, such as keeping a wishlist and checking prices on big sale days.
And finally…
Moving from not even a few hours to a free morning every fortnight, or from a morning to a full day, is a real change in how much room we have, and it often starts with one small arrangement that works. Why not start by taking a look at our guide to getting help with a caring role? If you’ve found something which helps you get away for even just a short time, we’d love to hear in the Hub what helped you manage it, so the next carer doing the maths has a few more ideas to try.
