Asking for help by saying what we need
- Nikki Brown
- May 29
- 10 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
Many of us are used to doing things on our own - but when we are looking after someone, the responsibilities and to do list gets that much bigger. Whether we’re supporting a parent, our partner, our child, a friend, or someone else - we often find ourselves just getting on with it. And by ‘it’ - we mean everything.
But we are just one person. We can’t do it all - and we shouldn’t be expected to. While asking for help can feel hard, it isn’t a sign we’re not coping. It’s a vital part of continuing to care, sustainably, with our own wellbeing in mind.
And yet, so many of us struggle to do it.
In a recent Mobilise Moment* 61% of us shared that we often find it difficult. A further 30% said we sometimes find it hard, depending on the situation or who we’re asking, with less than 10% feeling comfortable to ask for help when it’s needed.
Together, we will explore some of the challenges that come with asking for help, and simple ways to start feeling more able to get the support we need.
To note, this is exploring help we might need outside of more formal support, such as respite or services we can get through a carers assessment (an adult carer support plan in Scotland) or care needs assessment. If we don’t have those in place yet they might be a useful place to start.
Why asking for help is hard
The wonderful community of carers over on the Mobilise Hub shared what gets in the way of asking for help.
Some of these reasons might resonate with us. We might worry about being a burden to others, or feel unsure about who we could even turn to. Maybe we have tried asking before and it didn’t help - or it made things more complicated. Sometimes, the person we care for won’t accept help from anyone else, which can leave us feeling trapped and isolated.
Each of these reasons is valid, and speaks to the complex reality of caring. But the biggest challenge seems to be a common belief that revolves around a dangerous word - ‘should’.
“I feel like I should be able to manage on my own.”
The weight of "should"
So many of us carry around invisible rules that start with “I should…”
I should be able to cope. I should know what to do. I should put their needs first. I should manage without bothering others.
These “shoulds” often come from deep-rooted beliefs - about what it means to be strong, capable, or even just a decent person. They can be influenced by our upbringing, who we surround ourselves with, cultural backgrounds, family expectations, or past experiences.
Over time, they become internalised, running quietly in the background and shaping how we speak to ourselves and go about our lives - without us even realising.
“It was drummed into me that help was for weaklings. I simply do not share.”
Psychologists refer to these as “internalised shoulds” - pressures that sound like our own voice, but often come from somewhere else entirely. In cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), these shoulds are called “cognitive distortions” - unhelpful thinking patterns that can trap us in cycles of guilt or burnout. The belief that "I should be able to do it all" can create a real feeling of shame, or failure when we inevitably can’t live up to it.
Popular psychologist Dr. Brené Brown talks about how "should" is often a symptom of shame. In her talks and books - such as The Gifts of Imperfection, she highlights how "should" tries to motivate us through guilt rather than compassion. She says finding ways to give ourselves permission to be imperfect is key in moving past “should”, and into a place where asking for help feels possible.
How can we gently challenge those “shoulds”?
What if, instead of “I should be able to do this on my own,” we tried asking ourselves, “would I tell a friend they should be able to do everything alone, without help?” If we wouldn’t expect someone we care about to take everything on, why do we feel we should be able to?
Therapists using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) often talk about “noticing the story” our minds are telling us - and then choosing whether or not it’s helpful.
If the “should” voice is making us feel stuck, drained, or isolated, maybe it’s time to change the voice to something different. One where asking for help is seen not as a failure, but as a brave and necessary part of life.
Simple ways to start asking for help
The reality is, caring is hard. It’s emotionally and physically demanding - and nobody can be expected to do it all without support.
In her video, How To Ask for Help Without Feeling Needy, Kati Morton shares some simple tips to aid us in reframing asking for help.
If we are feeling unsure of how to move forward, we can try these steps:
Write down one thing we’re struggling with - no need to act on it yet.
Think of one person we could imagine sharing it with.
Use a sentence starter to practise asking in our own words.
We can write this down on a notepad, or download this free worksheet to guide us through it.
And if we're not ready to ask just yet? That’s okay too. Even reading these back to ourselves might be our first step. Or if we are lacking inspiration, we could pick one thing from the list below to try.
10 simple suggestions to get more help
Here are some ideas to get us started. We don’t have to do them all - just pick one that feels possible. Small is powerful.
Name our biggest pressure point this week. Is it a call we are dreading, or a trip to the shops when we feel swamped. Just getting it out of our head is a win.
Think of a small task someone could help with - like getting milk, or picking up a prescription.
List three people who’ve offered help in the past - even if you didn’t take it up at the time.
Practise our ask out loud (to ourselves, the mirror, or even our pet).
Share in an online space with peers, like the Mobilise Hub “What’s one thing someone helped you with that made a difference?”
List friends with specific skills - Do we know someone who is good with admin, or is a hair dresser.
Send a short text to someone you trust “Hey, I’ve been juggling a lot lately. Can I run something by you?”
Write a note or message about what you need - even if you don’t send it (yet).
Write ourselves a permission slip - I cannot do it all alone, and that’s ok. This week I give myself permission to ask for help with one task that feels hard.
Give ourselves credit for reading this and thinking about asking - that counts too!
Still feeling stuck? Below we will explore some of the steps in more detail to unpick what feels hard and move forwards.
Step one: Know what we need
Sometimes the hardest part isn’t asking - it’s knowing what to ask for.
So a helpful first step can be taking a moment to reflect:
What’s feeling hardest right now?
What would ease the pressure - even a little?
Is it emotional support, physical help, or something more practical?
Get creative here! Could a neighbour grab us essentials from the shop when they go? Would a friend who enjoys gardening help us weed as we have a catch up?
These needs might also change day to day, and that’s ok. We can explore identifying our needs further in Understanding our non-negotiable needs.
Step two: Find our words
We might worry that others won’t understand, or fear being judged. Some of us have had the experience of people offering help — “just let me know” or “I’m always here” — but when we do reach out, nothing happens. That gap between words and action can leave us feeling disheartened or hesitant to ask again.
“I’ve learnt that unless I ask with a specific time, date, and task, it just doesn’t happen.”
Being clear and specific can make it easier for others to step in. It’s not about asking perfectly - it’s about giving someone something they can actually say yes to.
Here are some ways we might frame our question:
“Would you be able to sit with Dad on Thursday afternoon, so I can get to my own appointment?”
“Could you pick up a few groceries for us when you go to the shops tomorrow? I can send a list.”
“I’m really struggling to stay on top of the paperwork - would you have time to help me with one form this week?”
“Could I call you for 10 minutes tonight just to talk things through? I’m feeling quite overwhelmed.”
Even if the answer is no, we’ve taken a brave and important step - we’ve named what we need help with and asked for it. That alone is powerful.
If talking feels too hard, we can start by writing it down - in a message, a letter, or even just for ourselves.
Step three: knowing who to ask
“I don’t know who to ask. People offer to help, but when I reach out they either don’t reply, or by the time they do, I’ve already sorted it out myself.”
This is something many of us can relate to. Knowing what we need is one thing - but working out who to ask is a whole other challenge. Especially when we’ve been let down before, or when the offers of “just let me know if I can help” don’t lead to anything practical.
It might help to start by thinking of our caring circle in layers - not just immediate family or close friends, but also neighbours, community groups, faith networks, colleagues, or even friendly acquaintances. Sometimes the right person to ask isn’t the closest one emotionally, but the one who’s most practically placed to help.
It can help to match the request to the person. Who’s great at admin? Who has a flexible schedule? Who’s a good listener? Not everyone can offer the same kind of support - and that’s okay.
“I network internationally for peer support, wellbeing, coproduction, quality improvements, music, sharing memories and observational comedy.”
For more help with finding creative ways to find support from those in our lives, we can read Widening our caring circle.
If we don’t feel comfortable asking friends or family, it may help to reach out to professionals or support organisations.
When the person we care for won’t accept help
Sometimes the barrier doesn't come from within - it's the person we care for.
“My dad thinks of me as his daughter and not his carer. He gets upset when I ask my brother for a break.”
They may be proud, private, or simply fearful of involving others. This is incredibly common, particularly if we are looking after someone with a mental illness, or who is struggling with addiction.
In these situations, we may need to start small and build up. That might mean introducing someone new slowly, or finding help that comes from someone they feel comfortable with.
We can find more support with this in, When the person you care for only accepts help from you.
We’ve asked for help before and been let down
Many of us have asked for help in the past and felt ignored, judged, or unsupported.
This can be one of the hardest things to come back from - especially when we have built up the courage to and reach out.
“After a crisis with my husband's health earlier in the year I felt unable to cope. I reached out for support. I received none. The message is loud and clear. Just get on with it because no one is going to support me.”
An experience of putting ourselves out there and feeling vulnerable, then getting nothing back can feel incredibly hard and damaging and send us back to feeling like it is easier to do it all. The idea of asking again might feel pointless or impossible.
“I’ve asked before and it didn’t help.”
That experience is real - and painful. But knowing what we need help with, who might be best places for that, and how to frame the request with a clear time frame can help us shape the ask more clearly this time around.
We’re not here to tell anyone they must try again. But if we’re able to - even in a small way - changing what we ask for, who we ask, or how we ask might be the key to getting a different result.
Similarly, the challenge can be in letting go. We may have asked for help before and felt unhappy with how it was done. We might feel that no one else can do things to the same standard, or in the way we know works best for the person we care for. And that may well be the case. We become the ‘expert’ when looking after someone, and stepping back - even a little - can feel impossible, especially if there’s trauma involved.
Letting someone else in means letting go of control, and trusting they’ll manage - even if it’s in a different way to how we would usually do things. That can be incredibly difficult, for both us and the person we care for. But if we can begin to trust, and start to step back, the reward can be more time and energy - for rest, recovery, or simply the things we really want to do.
Final thoughts
Whatever our caring situation, it is important to remember that we are not the only one finding it hard to ask for help. It’s a universally difficult thing to do.
However we feel about asking for help - whether we’ve tried and been let down, or haven’t quite been able to take that first step it doesn’t mean we’re failing. It means we’re human. And caring, especially over the long term, was never meant to be done alone.
There’s no perfect way to ask. No magic words. But there are small ways to start - and support that can grow from there.
“It helps to relieve the pressure from me. And I can see a little clearer through all the issues.”
What one small thing can we try this week?
We can also get creative ideas for places to find support, share what’s working, or feels particularly hard, over in the Mobilise Hub - a community created for carers, by carers.
*Mobilise Moments is our wellbeing check-in for unpaid carers. You can join us by signing-up for our weekly newsletter 💌.
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