From stuck to supported: moving forward from tricky conversations with services
- Nikki Brown
- Aug 14
- 12 min read
Updated: Aug 15
As unpaid carers most of us will, at some point, have to navigate conversations with healthcare or service professionals. And while those conversations are there to connect us to help, support, or answers, they can sometimes feel… well… challenging.
Maybe it’s feeling like we are on endless phone calls. The form that asks for the same information we’ve already given to three different services. Or that sinking feeling when the person on the other end doesn’t seem to understand the urgency of what we’re saying.
And after we’ve had a conversation (or five) that didn’t go as planned, it can feel incredibly challenging to know how to move forwards. We asked carers from the Mobilise community:
If you’ve had a challenging or unhelpful interaction with services or health care professionals, how easy or difficult have you found it to move forward in a positive way?
Over 90% shared finding it either ‘somewhat’ or ‘very difficult’.
It's easy to start to feel powerless or angry. Here are practical tips and tools from other carers that have been through it to help us refocus and find positive ways forward. Shifting from ‘stuck’ to ‘supported’ - without losing our sanity along the way.
Why does this feel so hard?
If we’ve had conversations with professionals that left us feeling confused, angry, or disheartened - it’s not because we’re doing anything wrong.
There are a few reasons this can feel so tough:
Systems are currently under a lot of pressure.
Many services are facing significant pressures, with funding, staff, and resources. And the number of carers is only growing. The people we speak to may be working flat out and genuinely trying to do their best with what is available.
There’s a lot of admin and red tape – it’s not always clear who we’re meant to speak to or what the process is. And even when we do understand the process needed, it can often feel long-winded, with unclear steps or no clear way to chase things up. If admin is just not our thing, (let’s face it, who likes it), we can find some helpful suggestions in Admin top tips for carers, by carers
Many of us are already exhausted and running on empty, so even small obstacles can feel huge or push us to breaking point.If this sounds like us we might benefit from reading support for recovering from carer burnout
And then there’s the jargon – letters, policies, and acronyms that can leave us wondering what has actually been discussed or agreed. We can find some common medical and service terms and acronyms explained here.
All of this can create an “us vs them” feeling. But trying to remember professionals are on our side, but facing system challenges of their own, can help negate a little of our anger and frustration.
“It feels so unfair that people are just left to their own devices with no help. But I know they have no staff and can’t magic them out of thin air."
We are navigating an increasingly stretched NHS and local services. Sometimes different departments and services aren’t as connected as they could be, which can cause delays or miscommunication - often as frustrating for staff as it is for us.
On top of that, we’re often coming to these conversations already tired, stressed, and juggling too much. That means our emotional reserves are lower, and a frustrating exchange can tip us from “slightly annoyed” into “I’m off to scream into a pillow”.
When conversations with professionals leave us feeling drained, it’s easy to think, “Is it just me? Am I doing something wrong?” But it’s not. Many others are facing the same challenges, and it is possible to come out the other side. We can find more tips for navigating draining carer interactions here.
Recognising that these challenges are systemic - not personal - can help us let go of some of the self-blame. But that doesn’t make it easy in the moment. Which is where the next steps come in.
What can we do when we feel stuck?
So, we’ve just had a conversation that’s gone nowhere. Maybe it’s the third one this week. We hang up the phone, or close our laptop, and feel our chest tighten. What next?
The truth is, pushing on while emotions are high rarely gets us anywhere helpful. We might find ourselves repeating the same points or hear our voice rising - and while our frustration is valid, it can make it harder to get our point across or even lead to professionals shutting down the conversation.
Here are some tips to help us step back and reset before diving back in.
First, remember: it’s not personal
Professionals are people doing a job. They’re not trying to make our lives harder – even if it sometimes feels that way. It isn’t them vs us and we need to work together to get the support or answers we need. Letting go of the idea that we need to “win” the conversation can open up space for progress.
Give ourselves a pause
It’s not giving up to step back - it’s strategy. A short break can help us respond rather than react. That might mean stopping for the day altogether and trying again after a night's sleep. Or it could be a temporary pause before replying to the email or making our next call, such as having a biscuit and a cuppa, or just standing in the garden breathing some fresh air.
“Take the dog for a walk to clear your head. Or go into the garden with a cuppa. Sometimes we just need to remove ourselves from the situation if only for a little while.”
If we are finding this challenging we can find more tips in How to step away and feel better.
Vent somewhere safe
Venting can help us process emotions. But we need the right space to do it – somewhere we won’t feel judged, and where our emotions won’t accidentally spill into the care we’re giving.
"Sometimes we just need to rant about our frustrations and that's totally fine too"
“People on the Mobilise community do 'get it'. Ranting on this site feels safe. You can say things you wouldn't normally say out loud! The mere fact you're having to write it all down helps, then you get some fabulous, supportive responses, with ideas or strategies or just virtual hugs.”
While venting can help release some of the frustration, we need to be mindful that it can become unhelpful if we are getting stuck in those negative feelings. Letting it out and looking to move on can be beneficial, but our brains hear and believe what we say. If we keep telling ourselves or others that services can’t or won’t help, it may make it harder to approach the next interaction with an open mind.
Move our bodies or breathe
Our body stores a lot of emotion. Next time we are feeling stressed we could check in with ourselves - how tight is our jaw? Where are our shoulders? How is our breathing?
If we can, a little movement such as stretching, a quick walk, or even just deep breaths or shaking out our arms and lifting and releasing our shoulders can help shift the tension that builds during stressful interactions.
In this video Dr Jo shares some of the best movements for releasing stress. If we are short on time we could just pick our favourites and give those a go.
Breathing can be another helpful tool to release tension fast. We might benefit from this short three minute meditation from Rosalie Yoga.
The key for all of these tips isn’t to ignore our frustration, but to stop it from preventing us from moving forwards. To let the initial wave pass so we can come back and try again with clearer thinking.
If we are feeling really stuck and unsure what to try next, we might find it helpful to read 10 ways for carers to get unstuck and move forwards.
How to ask for what we need
Once we’ve had a reset, the next step is clarity. The more specific we can be, the easier it is for someone to understand how they can help.
We asked carers in the community how confident they felt in knowing what to say or ask in order to get the support needed from professionals. Only 25% of us felt confident.
It can be hugely intimidating when navigating medical or social services. There is often jargon, professionals seem much more assertive and knowledgeable than us, and the short time we have in appointments can make it harder to fully explain our situation and advocate for ourselves or the person we care for.
Asking for help, or even thinking about what we need, can also feel incredibly uncomfortable and awkward for some of us. Even just putting pen to paper to specify what we want in more detail than, “just someone to help me,” might feel really challenging. If this sounds like us we might benefit from reading Asking for help by saying what we need.
Write it down
Once we are feeling a little calmer we can try writing the problem and what help we need.
What do we need?
How can the person or service help?
What steps have we already tried?
“Write everything down when you are calm. Then contact the professionals and ask for a meeting to explain that you are the carer and you know what the person you care for needs better than anyone."
This can help conversations get to the root of a challenge quickly, and be as helpful for the person we are speaking to as it is for us. Writing something down, especially in simple bullet points, can separate the ask or facts from our emotions around them. Often helping us to think and communicate more clearly.
It’s also OK to flag when we’re finding things difficult. Some carers have told us they begin meetings by saying something like,
“I might get emotional, and I may need to pause – but I’m really trying to work with you on this.”
Gain a different perspective
When we are in the thick of a challenging situation it can be hard to think objectively. Sometimes speaking to a neutral third party can help us to see another side or a way through.
This could be another service we trust such as our local carer centre, a calming friend, or others who get it over on the Mobilise hub.
“Thank you I could have thought all those things but I'm too filled with frustration to think anything positive. You've shone a big light on the situation and that is fabulous. I can look at it totally differently and I will."
AI tools such as Chat GPT can also be helpful for this. We can type in everything about a frustrating situation, including how we feel, and ask it to refine the message we want to send. Adding in instructions like:
‘Rephrase my words below ready for an email/ phone call making it constructive and encouraging a positive outcome” or simply “make it nice!’
“I love AI for that… angry writing and AI produces a calm and professional version. I'm going try voice mode next”
We can find more handy ways to use AI in 10 top tips on using AI to make caring easier.
Have phrases to hand for when a conversation isn’t going how we would like
We might have our ask written down in front of us, but still find ourselves not getting the answers we wanted or quite understanding what is being said.
We could try asking questions such as:
“Can you explain that in plain English? I want to make sure I’ve understood.”
“Is there anything I can do to move this forward from my side?”
“Can you be clear on next steps and what will happen next?”
“What is a reasonable time frame to expect to hear back on this?”
We could also use phrases to show that while we are aware there are waiting lists and processes, to us the situation is urgent and we need support now.
“This isn’t a future problem – it’s affecting us right now.”
“I’m totally burnt out and unsure how long I can continue without more support.”
Being honest about the challenges, including the most difficult days, can help services understand the urgency of our request and find the most appropriate support.
“I've learned the hard way to not dumb things down, say I'm OK when I'm clearly not and demand in whatever way, language or scenario that tells the story hard enough to hit home, is the best way to be heard."
Are we speaking to the right people?
Sometimes it’s not what we’re asking, but who we’re asking. We might not be getting what we want because we’re knocking on the wrong door.
If we’re unsure who to speak to:
Our GP can often make referrals or escalate concerns.
Carers centres or local support organisations can offer practical help, direct us to the right services, and give funding advice.
Occupational therapists (OTs) can support with home equipment, mobility, and assessments.
While often not a quick fix, starting a Carers Assessment and/ or Care Needs Assessment can be a helpful route into support
“Carers Centres can offer a lot of support. Some offer grants so you can take time out and look after you. I got a year's swimming covered."
It’s worth noting that not every service will offer the same things. But they often know who the “go-to” people are in our area. That insider knowledge can make all the difference.
Other tips from carers who’ve been there
When we asked the Mobilise community what advice they would give to another carer struggling to get the help they were after from professionals, the responses came thick and fast. Some are short and snappy, others with more detail - all grounded in real experience.
Here’s what other people who care had to say:
On persistence and patience
“Be nice, smile and have patience.”
“Just keep at them. Make yourself heard.”
“Don’t give up.”
“Persist.”
“Keep on grinding - repeat repeat repeat.”
“Keep insisting, ringing, emailing, or go to the surgery in person if it is a GP need.”
On being prepared
“Do some breathing exercises before engaging with the professional.”
“If the meeting is pre-arranged, make a list of questions to ask/ points you want to make. Stay calm and point out to the professional that in sharing their expertise with you they will be helping you to become a better/ more efficient Carer, then thank them for their time.”
“Write out what you want to say. Talk to all other professionals who may have joint responsibility. Gather facts and evidence. Share with support groups and get support for yourself. Do not be put off making your case, and have self belief.”
“Write down your points and give the professional a copy to read. Keep a copy in your hand and make sure every point is covered.”
“Write everything down and ask to record all conversations. It’s really helpful both to remind yourself of what's been said and also to play back to your loved one.”
“Write down a checklist of questions beforehand and use it to ensure everything has been covered.”
On getting extra support
“Ask a relevant charity or Mobilise for advice.”
“Ask an organisation that can support and mediate meetings. Citizens Advice has always been a good source of help.”
“Consult with Age UK or other help groups like Citizens Advice.”
“If you have a meeting with a professional, have someone else with you, an advocate or a friend, to be an extra pair of ears, to write things down, to back up what you are saying, and to challenge the professional if needed.”
On being assertive
“Stand your ground. Be firm and to the point.”
“Be calm but firm, and keep asking until you get a response.”
“Stand your ground. There is no such thing as a stupid question. If you don't understand the first time, ask again. Remember you know your loved one best.”
“Stick to your guns, practise what you’re going to say and try again. Don't doubt yourself.”
On knowing our rights
“Sign up as a carer, you do have rights, or sign as LPA”
“Know your rights and stick to them like glue”
We can learn more about our rights as people who care here.
On creative or unexpected tools
Still stuck? it’s ok to escalate
If we’ve tried everything and we’re still not being heard, it’s OK to explore next steps:
Ask about advocacy – someone who can speak on our behalf or help us prepare.
Make a formal complaint – when done calmly, this can lead to change.
Join others in campaigning – while not an immediate fix, if we have the energy speaking up can help us and others in the future.
Escalation doesn’t mean we have failed - it’s just another route to try when the usual ones aren’t working.
Next steps: take one small action today
Here are some small next steps we can try should we find ourselves in a challenging situation in the future:
Write down what we need and how to ask for it
Take a break and come back once we are calmer
Try using one new phrase or clarifying question in our next conversation
Bookmark this page for the next time we feel stuck
Connect with others who get it in the Mobilise community 💌
Challenging conversations are part of the caring journey, but they don’t have to leave us feeling powerless. With the right tools, the right people, and a bit of breathing space, we can move from stuck to supported. We’ve got this. And we’ve got each other.
